So, this feeling of restlessness and unease troubles me. I keep wondering what the hell my purpose in this life is? I often think that my ideal life is me knitting and sewing and cooking and baking and volunteering and feeding my neighbors and working in the garden and volunteering at school and doing some professional organizing. I say, "if i had all the money in the world, what would i be doing right now!?" and then, as i washed dishes for the 15th time today, i said, "wait a minute, i DO have all the money in the world. Or, at least, there were times in my life when i had all of the money in the world, yet i was still, at the time searching for more." I guess, when i was in the throes of serious attachment parenting and early motherhood when my babies and toddlers needed every single second and moment of my life (author of Hump calls it the DARK DARK days of motherhood), I always yearned for "more". Probably because there was nothing more than nursing, changing diapers, washing faces, cooking meals, making beds, folding laundry, changing diapers, wiping bums....i constantly yearned for "more" because motherhood, in and of itself, the monotony and exhaustion every single day never felt like "enough". What is enough? And now, single and with even less time each day than i ever had before (no breaks in any 24 hour periods now til weekends)...the meaninglessness of it seems overwhelming at times.

Why is this?

Is it because I gave up my career and put all of my focus onto my daughters and my husband and our home and making things comfortable and beautiful and simple in our lives? Was it my lack of connection? Is it my superiority complex, maybe? I just read an interesting book - Positive Discipline - and i see that i have a constant urge for a "project". If i'm not knitting, i'm baking or planning my menu or dreaming up the next home renovation project or doing some kind of a profitability spreadsheet for a new "dream business" or figuring out the numbers on going back to work versus staying home with my kids. I guess i'm a project kind of person. I don't like to sit, idle, unless i'm in the throes of some deep conversation or meditating or knitting or reading.

Being a single mother fucking sucks. There. I said it.

I look around at women who are devoting their entire lives to their kids and their homes and their husbands and i think "what the fuck are they doing?" I wonder if she's ever anticipated what it would feel like and look like when her husband falls in love with a more "suitable" mate and leaves her and the kids. What is her plan?

And just what is one to do when there's no backup family support system and working full-time isn't really an option? I tried to go back to work and lined up all of my daycare with backups and more backups and two weeks into it, had a crisis at home and had to leave work to put out the fires. What happened to my career? It suddenly, abruptly, unhappily, ended all over again. I'd only been there for 2 weeks. I had no seniority. I had no benefits. I had to go home to take care of my children. So, here i am again.